The Top Ten Pieces Of Outdoor Gear That Suck

Not exactly fishing related, but my buddy and I got to talking about this on a recent ski tour. I was ranting (as I am won't to do, especially when it comes to gear,) about stupid/useless features and whole pieces of gear and why they suck.
Finally, Jeff (the rantee at this point,) said "I would like to see you list all of these complaints."
Ask my dear friend and you shall receive.
Here we go in no particular order:

• Crazy Creek Chairs- I will begin with a unique format for this one, three questions I would ask myself if I was looking to buy one. If I am in a situation when I can bring a chair camping, why would I want my ass still in the dirt? Why would I fold my body into an easily tipped over taco? Why would I fork over five times more money than that buying the $6.00 fold-a-chair at wall mart?

• Push Buttons on Headlamps- Don't get me wrong, I love my current headlamp. It is durable; water resistant, compact, and bright(even with a low battery.) However, I am now buying AAA batteries at a blistering pace just so I can illuminate the top pocket of my pack. My best guess is that Duracell and Energizer are in cahoots with the headlamp manufacturing cartel.

• Adhesive strike indicators- Okay it's supposedly a strike indicator, but it is non adjustable, leaves sticky crap on my leader, and a size 22 rs-2 will sink it. At least it is sensitive, right? Nope it just fell off because I was afraid to pinch it on all of the way and ruin my leader.

• Freeze dried backpacking food (one brand in particular.) A light, easy to prepare meal with no dishes? Sign me up. You even get to choose from delicious meals like Lasagna, Jerk chicken, and  Southwest green chili and rice. What could possibly go wrong? Well, unless you are in a lab environment you will screw up the amount of water needed. Because of this you will always be dining on the above flavors in soup form, which is not that bad really (we are eating this in the woods after all.) So why do I hate this product so much? Read the nutrition facts on the back; each packet contains approx. 25,000 times your daily recommended allowance of fiber. After consuming the Green Chile with rice for dinner I woke the next morning to the pungent aroma of green chili and elk carcass marinating in my sleeping bag. The "Backpackers Revenge" had me soiling approx. four acres of pristine wilderness all of the next morning. A perfect cleanse, but an imperfect form of outdoor sustenance.

•  Neoprene Waders (especially the boot foot ones.) Personally, I think this must be some kind of joke. Okay they are supposed to be warmer, right? How are you supposed to stay warm when you are soaked? The only time you stay warm is in mid summer when you turn into a chest down sweat lodge.

• Collapsible Water cubes (you know the 2.5 or 5 gal models.) If you are very careful with the threads (think adding plutonium to a nuclear reactor,) you can actually fill the whole thing up and have it hold water for at least 15 minutes. Then, after you fill your water bottle and walk away, it will roll off the picnic table and puncture itself on a piece of gravel and leak all over the place. After 15 years of exhaustive research I have found the only durable water container available on the market- a six gallon diesel can (available at your local hardware store.)

• Crocs, Teva's Chacos, etc..... Get some real footwear you hippie! Lame soles, zero traction and zero protection. Use these where they are intended to be used, at the pool (unless you have Crocs, then you will still look like a dipshit.)

• Canister Gas for a backpacking stove- Higher cost than white gas, bulkier, and useless at any temperature where you actually want/need a hot drink or meal. 

• DRE Rowing Seats- The fine folks at DRE make some of the best rafting stuff on the market, with one notable exception: their over the cooler flip up rowing seat. Sure, they look great, are comfortable, and allow you to grab a cold one with ease. However, once you actually row on one you will realize that you are way too high up to get the proper angle for a stroke and your oars are now way too short. 

• Feathering your oars- The best for last. Sooo many of you raft and fishing guys will fight this one to the death, so I will now refute all of your pathetic arguments. First, please spare me the BS about a more powerful stroke. In the time it took you to set up and execute that beautiful blade swirling stroke I made five strokes. When that one stroke really counts, you blew the crux move because the last rock knocked your blade angle off. It's the real world out there, shit happens, why add another thing to go horribly wrong? And finally if you still don't believe me go and find an old school oarsman and ask him why he has to wear wrist braces to drink his coffee. Buy some Oar-rights!

So there it is, valuable consumer advise for anyone who spends time in the outdoors (plus now I feel better for having vented.)